Spring Awakenings, or a Long Rambly Post about Tiredness and Blogging and Midlife Changes

I don't know what's happened to my blogging energy lately, but it's been kind of absent. All my energy has been absent, really. For weeks and weeks this winter I was so, so, so tired. All I wanted to do was sleep day and night, waking up occasionally to consume vast quantities of food, because in addition to being so, so tired, I was so, so hungry.

Instead of sleeping and eating all day and night, I went about my usual routines and got kids off early in the morning and went to work and grocery shopped and cleaned up after dinner. But then, instead of doing anything useful, I'd just lie on the couch and watch youtube videos with the E and Z and then DVDs with M.

When I get tired like that, I can't even remember what it feels like to be NOT tired. I feel like I've been exhausted since I was pregnant with M and never recovered. I wake up every bit as tired as I was when I went to bed. Maybe it was just the usual March Malaise. Or maybe it was "second winter" (you know since first winter was so wimpy it came back for a second go-round). Or maybe I've just been doing too much and my body said "enough."

I heard this story on NPR over the weekend, about how thirty percent of people in "midlife" are unsatisfied with their work or careers. This story really hit me emotionally. Here I'd been going around thinking I was crazy or selfish or unrealistic for wanting more out of life than my current work situation, but I'm right at home with nearly a third of people who are bored, disengaged, miserable. It's good to have company.

I'd actually wondered if I'm even capable of doing good, challenging, interesting work anymore. And then I'd remind myself that I do good, challenging, interesting work with my editing and teaching and writing (unfortunately, no one is interested in paying for those things, so far). I've built great relationships with the writers whose work I've edited. I've gotten fantastic feedback on my workshops. And while the writing can be teeth-grindingly frustrating at times, I can sink my teeth into a project and hang on like a Jack Russel Terrier until it's done (was that too many tooth metaphors for one sentence?).

So, yeah, I can bust my butt, but I've lost the will to do it for other people's goals and agendas. And it's so very exhausting at times, keeping up with these lives--the worker bee life, the editor/blogger/teacher/writer life, the mother/wife/homemaker life.

I'm not sure what this post is about, except that I feel a little bit of energy seeping in. I spent the weekend cooking for Easter and prepping for my next workshop and read a whole entire book in the downtimes. Then last night I read in the tub after the kids went to bed (believe it or not, that was an energetic evening activity compared to the last few weeks) and tonight E and M and I played a game of cribbage and now I'm doing workshop prep and actual blogging. So even if it's not very springy outside, I just might be getting a little more spring in my step.

P.S. Something about writing this post inspired me to update the blog look. What do you think? Is the photo in this post too big? How about the one in the header?