Liminal

Yesterday was my last day at work. Forever. I'm not really sure what I'm going to write about that here. I'm not really sure what I think or how I feel. It's all so wrapped up in the energy I'm putting into getting ready for our trip and the stress of dealing with grown-up stuff like transitioning to private health insurance (done!), staring in dismay at my bank account balance, trying to figure out my new camera, and the boys' last days of school and E and Z's final baseball game of the season and the beautiful spring weather and the messy messy house and the two sleeping bags I still need to make before Wednesday.

I don't write much about work here, for many reasons, but I was there, off and on, since 1997 (for a total of 15 years toward retirement, thanks to some time away at the beginning, maternity leave twice, and some stupid bureaucratic nonsense about how jobs are classified and what counts). I will not miss bureaucracy. I will not miss politics. I will miss people and community. I will miss a steady paycheck.

I am looking forward to, of course, our upcoming big trip. This transition time. This reset button.

I recently read an essay by John Landretti in Orion magazine, "Nameless Season," about liminal phases, which he describes as, "that strange moment after one has given up a familiar way of being but has not yet come into a new identity."

Yes, that's exactly where I am now. A snake that has just shed its skin and is fresh and glistening--and vulnerable. And, I will admit it, a little self-absorbed. Maybe a lot self-absorbed. This next phase of life is all about me, my goals, my dreams, and I'm dragging my husband and children along for the ride, possibly into financial ruin. I do feel a little guilty about that. But then there was the person I was before, a person so stuck and frustrated that I could barely stand living with her anymore, let alone inflicting her on those I love.

So...like I said I have no idea what I think right now, or even what the point of this post is. But I hope you stick with me as the new identity begins to form.