This must be the week that my new schedule catches up with me--and not in a good way. What with holidays, shutdown days, snow days, and sick days It's the only week, other than the very first, that I will have actually worked five days, so I guess it makes sense that things will feel a bit rougher. Only I'm totally bummed, because I'd been feeling really good, positive, happy this winter and had hoped I'd skate by the Feb/March/April blahs (what do people who are not in denial call that? Oh yes, Seasonal Affective Disorder). I'm feeling like my life is made up of layers, like an onion (or a matryoshka) and every single one of mine is somehow off-kilter.
Layer 1--Me. This week I: drove 15 miles in the pouring rain with 10 inches of my scarf hanging out the door and dragging through salt and sand; lost one of my favorite turquoise earrings that I bought on our train trip to Colorado two years ago; and lost one of the fabulous mittens my mom made me for Christmas (Mom, if you're reading this, please don't kill me!!). Sucky. And, of course, all signs that I am not being mindful. Also, as usual, I'm finding myself over booked, over committed and over done. It's a pattern I have; I see a blank spot in the future and I fill it up with more than I can handle. And I'm tired. Bone tired. No matter how much sleep, exercise or protein I give my body, it just wants to stay in bed. All the time.
Layer 2--Family. Out of whack. When mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. Ain't that true? The boys are also overtired from their own overly busy schedule (and we don't even do any extracurriculars!). Dinner doesn't land on the table until 6:00 at the earliest, pushing the limits of getting kids into bed by 8:00. And still no one (especially M, who could sleep 12 hours a night) wants to get up at 6:30 the next morning. C and I can't seem to fall into a groove, getting on each other's nerves on the rare occasions we're in each others' company. I've completely lost the calm, centered parenting style I thought I'd adopted over the past few weeks when I totally flipped out on M Tuesday night because of his bedtime shenanigans. Grrr.
Layer 3--Work. I guess it had to happen sooner or later, but the honeymoon phase is over and growing pains are starting to set in. I've gone from busily working in my little cube to depending on others' input...and I never handle that well.
Layer 4--Community. The g*d d*mn f*cking p*ece of sh*t school budget did not pass again!!! For the fourth time. And you know how that makes me just want to swear. It was even originally reported as passing, and I briefly thought, "wow, people aren't total *ssholes! They really do care about kids!" Only to be disillusioned a couple hours later (remind you of any recent elections??) Swear to god I'm moving to Denmark (or Costa Rica).
Layer 5--Nation. Appalling. What more can I say. Health care. Massachusetts. And now the Supreme Court handed our country over to the corporations. OK, they already had their paws on us, but did SCOTUS have to make it official? Didn't even watch the State of the Union. Waaay too disappointed. Kinda wishing I'd voted Nader, so at least I could have the bumper sticker. Denmark, here I come.
Layer 6--The World. My god. Could any more really horrible, terrible tragedies strike those with the least? I know that sh*tty things have gone on since the dawn of time, and will continue until long after we blow ourselves up, but come on! Imagine if we took the resources we were dumping into insanely senseless wars and put it toward bolstering nations like Haiti (or even into our own country's schools). Imagine.
Yes, it would appear I'm having an existential crisis. All that fluffy knitting, embroidering nonsense was just a very thin shield that could not hold it at bay for long. And to make matters worse, I don't even feel I deserve to have a crisis. I know, and know of, so many people currently going through personal tragedies of various magnitudes that make my own niggly little problems (my mitten, my beautiful mitten) seem grotesquely self-indulgent. Here's the thing...knowing one doesn't deserve to be depressed rarely serves to make one feel better.
P.S. Friday I'm doing a guest post at The Never True Tales (yes and it's my first guest post so please go and see it). I promise it will be less of a downer than this one!
Update: Mitten Found!!! The rest of the world is still a mess, but my right hand is warm again.
Update: Did you know Howard Zinn died yesterday? What a loss (but 87 and swimming laps? Wow.) This is definitely the year I need to read (and finish) A People's History (may need to get a new copy...mine ends in the Clinton years...ancient history).